


Despair

by Vinushuka



Series: Unknown.Despair.Found [2]
Category: Apocalyptica, Dir en grey
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-20 16:12:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 21,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1516901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinushuka/pseuds/Vinushuka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is  a story of two bands Dir En Grey and Apocalyptica and a strange woman calling herself Vinushka, who wants to get involved in their lives. She uses all means both natural and supernatural to achieve her goal. She means well but the consequences of her involvement are unpredictable bringing great joy but also despair to the band members..</p><p>In Despair Die has his 39th birthday and arranges a party to celebrate that and Christmas. Die gets surprise presents from Santa and Toshiya, who dumps Kyo at his birthday party. Apocalyptica visits Tokyo in January to work together with Dir En Grey. Their visit is a part of the sponsor agreement made with Vinushka.  She follows Apocalyptica to Tokyo, forms a passionate relationship with Kyo and finally reveals the creepy truth of herself to him. Tochi falls again in love with Eicca and Kaoru surprises everyone…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Birthday presents

#  **Die**

 

##  **Birthday presents (1)**

      My birthday was so close to Christmas, that it was natural to arrange a combined celebration for both. As my house was so small, I had invited only my closest friends, that is, my band mates, some of our studio technicians, some roadies and our PR people. The house was decorated very Christmassy, coloured lights covering all possible and impossible places. There was also a surprise arranged by our manager with the help of Vinushka (actually Anna). A real Santa Claus was going to distribute my birthday presents and Christmas presents to everybody. My fridge was packed with beer and beverages. All available table tops were loaded with salty snacks, fruit, vegetable sticks and dip sauces along with red wine. Christmas records were playing nonstop to keep up the good spirit.

      The party was already well on its way when I heard a late guest knocking at the door. I was surprised to see Kyo arriving alone. He didn’t look like he was in the party mood. He explained hastily that Tochi had another engagement and would arrive later. Anyway I was glad that _he_ could make it. I had been a bit worried about how things would develop between Tochi and Kyo after our US tour. Their relationship had been extremely intensive from the beginning. Would it last when the first excitement started to fade away? We had been working together for more than fifteen years now and we would have to continue that despite of our personal issues.

      I couldn’t help remembering the look on Tochi’s face when Eicca had left him after their first night together in Seattle last November. Now this same guy was arriving in Tokyo after New Year together with the rest of Apocalyptica. We were going to record some cello sequences for our new album together with them and Kyo was going to sing on at least two Apocalyptica album tracks. Our co-operation was a result of our sponsor agreement with Vinushka. She was a devoted fan of both bands and wanted us to succeed. I honestly wished that Kyo could tolerate his competitor and Tochi would behave… He wasn’t exactly known for discretion in his love affairs. Kyo’s confidence was still very fragile, when it came to having a serious relationship with someone.

      My thoughts were interrupted by a commotion at my front door. Santa had parked his limo at my front gate and was hauling huge sacks of presents to my porch.

      “Ho, ho, greetings from Lapland”, he was bellowing and eying all the guests with a somewhat intimidating look. “Have you all behaved well to earn your presents?” he asked and everybody answered in chorus “Yes Santa!”

       “Where’s Die, our birthday boy?” I pushed forward through the crowd to meet this rather scary Santa. “Ok, there you are. I have a special delivery for you from Anna.” He pushed an almost two meter long package in my lap. “Happy birthday, Die. Don’t break your neck with these.” 

       I was puzzled by this weird present. There was a note on the package saying: _Please take these with you when you come to Finland in March. Don’t worry, I will teach you how to use them! Anna._

      Was I travelling to Finland in March? Holy shit, I’ll have to ask if Kaoru, Shinya or Kyo knew anything about this. But first I would have to open this damn package. I dragged the whole thing into my small and now very crowded living room and started to rip off the gift wrappings in the middle of the floor. I had received cross country skis, shoes and the whole skiing outfit. Was this a hint that I needed more outdoor exercise? I showed the skis and the rest of the stuff in my already crammed wardrobe and hurried to search for my band mates.

        I found Kyo sitting in one of my arm chairs two gift packages unopened in his lap, drinking beer and looking gloomy. I guessed that Tochi had not arrived yet. “How are you doing?” I asked carefully not wanting to upset him. He stared a while at his hands and then met my eyes. “He’s not coming…” While he was saying that I could see the light coming back to his eyes. Tochi had arrived and was standing behind my shoulder, or rather towering behind me. He had his high heel boots on which made him huge among his fellow Japanese. He was dressed in his black leather party outfit: leather pants, loose black silk blouse and full length leather jacket. He was wearing light make up and his hair was surrounding his beautiful, almost perfect face, in soft curls.  My heart skipped a beat when I saw his perfection. The illusion was however shattered when he opened his mouth.

       “Hi guys! What’s up? Sorry I’m late, but the fucking train took ages to come here. Have you got my present somewhere?” he asked Kyo, smiling at him with his megawatt smile. Kyo just about jumped up from his chair and showed Tochi’s present into his waiting hand.

      “Now that you both are here”, I started. “Are you guys aware that we are travelling to Finland next March?” Tochi eyes flashed to Kyo and then he shook his head. Kyo looked a bit troubled and finally admitted, that he’d been talking about it yesterday with Vinushka over the phone. At that time nothing had been settled yet. I felt cold sweat burst on my forehead. There was nothing that could save me from the horrible ordeal looming ahead. I needed a stiff drink to face my destiny…

\----

      The next thing I knew was that the house was awfully quiet and all the quests were gone. I must have dozed a bit at the corner of my sofa.  The Christmas music was still playing at the background:  Elvis was singing about Blue Christmas.  I could hear a sound like bottles clinking and singing that was strangely discontinuous. The clinking sounds were coming from my kitchen and probably the singing too. I sneaked over to see who was still staying behind. Kyo was standing in my kitchen his lap full of beer bottles. He was arranging them meticulously in a square formation beside the kitchen sink. His body was slightly swaying from side to side. He must be drunk, I thought. I cleared my throat a bit to get his attention.

      “You don’t have to do that. I will clean up in the morning”, I said slightly amused by the fact that he had tugged his bare feet into my ancient slippers. He positioned the remaining bottles carefully in his arrangement, sniffed loudly and wiped his face with his sleeve. Only then I realized that the man was crying. My immediate reaction was anger: Tochi had _again_ blown it. Why on earth did he have to hurt _my_ Kyo, who’d had more than his fair share of life’s sufferings? I didn’t approve the small nasty voice in my head that was cheering with joy: “Now it’s my turn!”  I told him to shut up.

      I rushed over to Kyo and grabbed him by the arms. “What’s going on? Why are you here alone? Where’s Tochi?” Too many questions, I knew that, but what could I do. I just could not stand seeing him hurt like this. Kyo stared at me his expression blank. His eyes were red and his face still wet. Just when I thought he wouldn’t talk to me, he gave a deep sigh and focused his dark eyes on mine.

      “Tochi left. He told me that our relationship would not work and that he needed some breathing space and time to think.” He was speaking very quietly and I could see he had great difficulties in keeping himself composed. Tears were again flowing down his cheeks. I dried them with my hand and tried to find words to comfort him.

      “I’m sure you two will be alright. Tochi will come around”, I assured him. I knew I sounded hollow.

      His gaze was growing more intense as he lifted his hand on mine. “I don’t think he will”, he whispered and sighed again.

      “Bet he’s already in some disco trying to find someone to fuck with”, the little voice in my head remarked. “Don’t blow your chances now!”

      “Can I stay here over the night?” Kyo’s question caught me by surprise. Could he read my mind?

      “Sure, why not… You can sleep on my couch…“, I offered trying to conceal my excitement. Finally I had him in my house, all to myself. He had never before slept over, not even with others staying.

     “Err…I think your bed is wide enough for both of us”, he continued and I could see a tiny smile tugging the corner of his lovely mouth.

      I must be dreaming, I thought. I will probably wake up in a minute and there’s nobody here. While I was struggling with his last comments about my bed, he raised his both arms around my neck and started tugging my head down. He wanted me to kiss him? This moment was pivotal.  I knew that if I stopped now I would probably never get a second chance.

      “Please, please, kiss him! This is what you’ve always wanted!” my subconscious was screaming at me.

      “I don’t want to ruin Kyo’s relationship with Tochi or our team spirit. Besides what would Shinya say about this?” I defended myself.  

      “His relationship _is_ already in shambles and it was just another blow job with Shinya. He’s so obsessed with his dog that he doesn’t even notice”, my subconscious sneered at me seeing an easy victory coming up. “Yeah, I guess you’re right”, I finally admitted to make him stop his pleading.

       I gave in and lowered my face to meet Kyo’s. His lips touched gently mine. He tugged my lower lip with his teeth and let out a small growl when I returned his bite. My knees felt weak and for a moment I thought I was going to faint. “Breathe, you idiot!” my subconscious yelled at me.  How can his lips feel so soft and juicy?  My heart thudded when I felt Kyo’s hands on my bare skin. His fingers were fluttering like butterflies over my ribs and from there to my back.  I couldn’t resist the temptation to feel his buttocks under my hands. He had the god damn best ass in the world, so tight and delicious. I was squeezing him against my body like I wanted us to melt together. He was so hard.

     “Are you sure about this? I finally managed to ask when Kyo was grabbing some air between our kisses.

     “Nothing in this world is certain, nothing ever stays the same. I want to be with you right now, not regret later that I didn’t.” I was puzzled by his words. He obviously hadn’t told me everything.

     He interrupted my thoughts with his soft lips. He ran his nose across my collar bones and planted gentle kisses on my jaw. “Can we get rid of this T-shirt?” he asked smiling at me and tugging the fabric with his fingers.  I was almost embarrassed, when I stripped my shirt off and stood in front of him half naked. We’d seen each other half naked a million times in dressing rooms all over the world and even showered together, but this was different. He was gazing at me like he saw me for the first time. He ran his fingers over my chest and along my arms. “You’re so beautiful” he sighed. “Now, would you like to open my buttons?” he asked so politely that I thought he was joking. I assumed he meant his black shirt that had many small buttons in its front. My fingers were trembling so badly, that it took a while before he was unbuttoned. I just couldn’t make myself ruin his new shirt by ripping it open. He was waiting patiently watching me his dark eyes smouldering. He was enjoying every moment and he wasn’t as drunk as I had thought.

       I removed his shirt and dropped it at our feet. His body looked wonderful as always. Thousands of people had seen him on stage like this, his tattooed arms and back, tight abs and the tiger on his hip. Only this time he was performing exclusively for me.  The thought made giddy.  I couldn’t resist the temptation of running my fingers on his tattoos, starting from the Damned on the side of his neck down to the Tiger on his hip. “I have always wanted to do this”, I confessed and felt a blush spreading over my face.

       I could see him raise one of his eyebrows and smile at me “How long is your always?”

      “Long enough to feel like forever”, I answered.

      “Let’s go to bed and discuss the details there. Can I use your toothbrush?” he asked vanishing to my bathroom. 

      Okay, he was really going to stay and I was definitely awake. I rushed into my bedroom, removed the bedcover and checked the condition of my bedclothes. I hadn’t expected anybody to sleep with me. I collected our shirts from the floor and folded them on a chair. After I was done, I returned behind my bathroom door. “Can I join you in the shower?” I asked not wanting to wait alone anymore.

      “Come in”, he answered opening the bathroom door and admitted me into the steamy atmosphere. He was completely naked, drying his back with my towel.  He was still hard. Holy crap. His cock was enormous, a dark, menacing looking thing. I removed my trousers and pants and headed for the shower. He was watching and waiting for me to finish.  “Come here and let me dry you.”

       He started his drying operation from my back, rubbing every single square centimetre of my skin with his towel. Then he turned me around and continued on my front side. When he was finished I was so turned on I could hardly stand on my feet. He took my dick in his hand rubbing the head gently with his fingers. “What shall we do with this thing?  It doesn’t get dry. Maybe I should try to suck it dry”, he proposed and kneeled in front of me licking and sucking me like I was a candy.

      I was afraid I would explode right there. “Please Kyo, don’t make me come yet”, I pleaded.

      “Should we continue this in bed?” he sneered at me. He grabbed me by the hand and led us to my bedroom pushing me gently on my back in the middle of the bed. His hands grabbed my dick again and he started sucking me like he really wanted to dry me out. This was too much for me. I exploded into his mouth moaning of pleasure.

       When he was done with me, he crawled back into my lap. “Can I get you something to drink?” I volunteered, knowing that I probably didn’t taste very good.  I got us both a glass of mineral water and climbed back to my bed beside him. When he had finished his drink, I pushed him on his back and started kissing him. He was so beautiful, my storybook. His huge dick was waiting for my attention. I licked its silky head and pushed it deep into my mouth. I grabbed the stem in my hands and started jerking him off. When he was approaching the top, he started to fuck my mouth deeper and deeper. I did my best to contain his wild movement with my hands and not to gag, when he pushed himself too far. His explosion was so fierce that I was afraid that I had hurt him. His moaning would have woken all my neighbours, if I’d had any. Luckily I had my own house.  

      He collapsed on my bed and grabbed me on top of him. “Jeez, you’re great”, he panted and closed his eyes to rest a while.

      “Can I ask you something?” I broke the long and sleepy silence. “What did you mean with nothing ever stays the same…?”

      “It was actually Vinuska … Anna who made me see that I had been dwelling far too long with my miserable past. Then I thought I could make Tochi happy. It was wonderful to put the past behind and love again someone. This evening I realized I had failed _again_. Tochi described his feelings for me quite clearly. He needed something that I couldn’t offer him. I have to accept that and continue with my life. There’s one thing I have learned though…You must trust your instincts and try your best, be brave. I you fail, you fail but you have at least tried. This evening I decided to be brave…”

      “What would you have done if had touched you like five years ago?” I asked knowing that I might sound stupid.

      “I would probably have run away screaming of horror. I was so pissed off with myself at the time”, Kyo answered smiling at me.

      “Better late than never. Anyways, you have given me the best birthday present ever…“


	2. The morning after

##  **The morning after (2)**

      I woke up around six o’clock next morning. It was still dark, but my table lamp was giving enough light to see my partner in bed. Kyo was sleeping his hand tugged elegantly under his chin and his elbow protruding against my side. Probably it was his elbow that woke me up. I moved slightly to ease the pressure against my ribs and watched him sleep. He was probably dreaming of something nice. There was a gentle smile on his lips and he mumbled something about kissing. I felt a pang of love for this man. ”I love you more than you know”, I whispered to him knowing that he would not hear my words. I needed practicing. I hadn’t said those words in so many years.

      Next time I woke, the bed beside me was empty. I could sense a smell of fresh coffee and something frying coming from the kitchen. I lingered some time in my bed listening to the sounds of frying and plates and glasses being taken from the cupboard.  This was new to me, someone in my kitchen… I sneaked over to my bathroom to clean up and headed then for the kitchen. Kyo was indeed cooking breakfast for us. He had nicked my T-shirt from somewhere and his bare feet were again tugged in my old slippers. He was offering milk to a black and white cat purring at his feet. The cat was from my neighbour, but I had never managed to tempt him to come inside my house. Kyo had found eggs and bacon in my fridge. He had also toast and orange juice waiting on the kitchen isle table.

      “Good morning”, I said smiling at the endearing sight. “Did you sleep well?  I asked and stepped close to him, but didn’t touch him. I just wasn’t sure if we were still okay. “Can I help you with something?” I asked.

       “You can clean the table”, Kyo pointed at my table that was full of yesterday’s leftovers, dirty glasses and plates. I collected all dishes to the kitchen sink and threw the leftovers into the bio waste bin.

When the table was cleared and cleaned we sat down in silence to enjoy our first breakfast together. Kyo looked like he was starving.

      “You’re hungry?” I asked.

      “Yeah, I couldn’t eat much yesterday.”

       “Thanks again for your birthday present”, I said smiling at him. “Being almost forty isn’t that bad when you’re around… “

       “What’s your schedule this morning?” I asked changing the subject.

      “Nothing special”, Kyo replied. “I have a dentist appointment at one o’clock and then we have our planning meeting at three.” The thought of meeting our band mates made me nervous.

      “What are we going to tell to Tochi and others?”

      “Well, I can talk to Tochi and Kaoru and you should say something to Shinya”, Kyo sneered at me. What’s Kaoru got to do with this, I wondered.

      “How do you know about Shinya?” I finally managed to ask.

       “He told me himself about your little cos-play. He was very proud of his blow job. Besides he told that your performance was excellent. That encouraged me.”  I should have guessed that Shinya would blabber about our little affair to Kyo, who seemed to be his trustee in our small team.

      “Do you have something cooking with Kaoru?” I asked feeling nervous.

      “No, that was ages ago, but it’s good to keep him posted.” Kyo answered and took my hand in his. “We still have time this morning. Would you like to play with me?” he asked his eyes smouldering of desire. I felt my brain soften when he smiled at me and started pulling me to the direction of my bedroom. Now I was sure that this was real.


	3. The planning meeting

##  **Planning meeting (3)**

      Our planning meeting would take place in the facilities of our recording studio close to Tokyo centre.  We had regular meetings with our manager to discuss recording of new material for our albums, touring plans and promotion activities. Writing new songs was a real team effort for us and required a lot of discussions and planning. Sometimes we would get stuck in arguing about the details and finally nobody was satisfied with the end result, sometimes everything progressed smoothly and we could finish our piece in record time.

      I must admit I was nervous when I climbed back into daylight from the confines of the subway station. The office building housing our recording studio was only a short walk away. In the elevator I was still wondering what to say to Shinya. I really hoped that Kyo had already had time to discuss with Tochi. When the elevator doors opened I could see Kyo sitting in the lobby sofa group with Tochi.  I really didn’t want to disturb that conversation, so I just said my hello and continued to our meeting room down the corridor. When I entered the room, Shinya was sitting there alone reading a newspaper.

       “Do you have a minute to spare?” I asked him and gestured him to follow me back into the corridor. I didn’t want anybody to interrupt our conversation. Shinya gave me curious look and stood up to follow me.

       “I think you should know that Kyo slept at my place last night. Tochi wanted to end their relationship and Kyo was too mixed up to go anywhere alone”, I explained. Shinya’s big brown eyes looked worried.

       “I kind of guessed that this would happen. I feel very sorry for them. Is Kyo feeling any better now?

       “I really hope so. He can tell you more himself.”

       “By the way… You couldn’t help telling Kyo about our little cos-play in Seattle”, I playfully retorted Shinya, who blushed and lowered his eyes.

        “It sort of slipped out. I just had to tell someone how satisfied I was with my blow job and yours too”, he said smiling. “My dog doesn’t understand these things very well.”

        We had to end our conversation there, as we saw Tochi, Kyo and Kaoru approaching with our manager hurrying behind them. I tried to take a stealthy look at Tochi to see how he was doing. Actually he looked surprisingly vibrant this morning, no signs of heartbreak or sleepless night. I felt relieved and followed the rest of the team into the meeting room.

       Most of the meeting was spent in the detailed planning the coming Apocalyptica visit. Our guests would stay for a week so we’d have to plan both our day and evening programs. Our manager had done a good job in compiling a schedule draft, which we could review in our meeting. Anna and Apocalyptica guys had participated in the making of the draft.

       The plan was accepted almost without changes. There was one night when Shinya was not available due to other engagements and one night Kaoru could not participate. We concluded our meeting feeling satisfied. Our manager promised to email the final schedule to everybody involved.

       I grabbed Kyo’s arm when we left the meeting room.

       “How did it go? Does everybody know now where we stand?  I asked still anxious. “I think Tochi looked satisfied.”

       “You’re right. I think this solution was right for him. He is clearly relieved and happier now. I didn’t share with him all the details of our night. I told him that you had been there to support me when I needed and will be also in the future. He didn’t mind.” Kyo summed up his discussions. “By the way, what happened with Shinya?”

       “He was mostly worried about your wellbeing and didn’t mind that you slept at my place.”

       “Well, I guess everything is then okay for the time being”, Kyo smiled and gazed me with his intensive dark eyes. There was something more lurking in there than just friendship. We walked over to the elevator in silence. When the doors closed Kyo grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me like I’d never been kissed before. My knees felt weak and my head was swimming, when he finally released me. The elevator was quickly filled with other people hurrying to their duties and we had to behave. My red cheeks and heavy breathing probably gave us away.


	4. A tough decision

#  **Toshiya**

 

##  **A tough decision (4)**

      The phone call from Anna just before Die’s birthday party came as a complete surprise to me. I had been very little involved with her - Kyo, Kaoru and our manager had taken care of most of the discussions related to our sponsor agreement.  What on earth could she want from me?

      She greeted me politely in her fluent Japanese and wished me merry Christmas before getting down to business. She was arranging Apocalypica’s visit to Japan and was concerned about Kyo’s reactions: Was he able to work with Eicca without getting into conflict with him? She was clearly referring to my one night adventure with Eicca and my current relationship with Kyo. Kyo had obviously told her about what had happened in Seattle.  I felt annoyed. Why did she have to meddle with my life?

      “I really wish that everything will go smoothly and there are no conflicts.  Can you do anything to help?” she asked sounding very professional. This was a tough question to answer so suddenly but I promised to think about it.

      “I will meet Kyo this evening at Die’s birthday party. Maybe I can do something then”, I promised feeling very unsure.

      When I had closed the phone I knew what I would have to do. My relationship with Kyo had started to distress me very soon after it had started. I just couldn’t take his intensive love and unconditional devotion. I felt I was suffocating. I needed my freedom back. We could avoid conflicts with Apocalyptica guys if I ended our relationship right now, before they arrived.  I needed to be able to make my own decisions about my relationship with Eicca. I didn’t expect much of their visit, but there was still a small chance…

       My decision relieved immediately the anxiety that had ruined my sleep most of the nights. I hurried to dress up in my black leather party outfit. I felt confident in my high heel boots and leather jacket. The black silk blouse felt good on my skin, like someone touching me softly.  I knew I was exceptionally tall for a Japanese guy and I enjoyed the thought; those tall Finns couldn’t intimidate me. On my way to the railway station I called Kyo to let him know I was going to be late. I urged him to go ahead to the party.

      I was quite much late when I finally arrived at Die’s house. The place was packed with people and Christmas decorations. Typical Die… I knew most of the guests, so I greeted everyone and started looking for my man. I found Kyo talking with Die at the corner of the living room. I could see the happy look in Kyo’s eyes when he noticed me behind Die’s back. I already felt sorry for him.

     When Die had to leave to host his guests, I decided to take the bull by the horns and finish my business here. Die’s bedroom was the only quiet place in the house, so I led Kyo there to say what I had to say. Kyo probably guessed what was coming. He didn’t say anything, just stood there like waiting for a blow.  I struggled to get started.

      “I’m sorry, but I think our relationship isn’t going to work. It’s making me feel anxious. I would like have more space to breathe and I would like to have my freedom back. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not ready for this kind of relationship”, I blurted everything out in one go. Kyo’s face was like a mask, nothing moved, not even his eyes. He was just staring at me with his dark eyes as if he hadn’t heard what I just said. Just when I was about to ask him, if he was ok, he focused his eyes on mine.

      “I understand. Maybe it’s better like that. I don’t want you to be unhappy.” He raised his hand like he was going to touch my face but let it drop to his side and stood in front of me like a statue. I felt tears starting to flow on my cheeks.

      “I’m so very sorry about all of this… I didn’t want to hurt you.“ I dried my eyes and turned to leave the room and Kyo, who hadn’t moved an inch. I wasn’t even sure he was breathing.  I took a deep breath and stepped out into the corridor full of our friends. I forced a smile on my face and walked out of the house and out of Kyo’s life. I needed a shot of whisky and a good night’s sleep.


	5. The new beginning

##  **The new beginning (5)**

      For the first time in weeks I felt refreshed, when I woke up in my bed. I was free, I could breathe again and make my own decisions.  I lingered in my bed for a while planning how I would use my new freedom. Then I remembered Kyo’s face. He had been completely shocked when I left him in Die’s bedroom. I was worried about him. To stop brooding over him I jumped up from my bed and took a long hot shower.  When I checked myself in the bathroom mirror I saw a good looking guy, not a zombie, smiling at me. I winked at my reflection and complimented him in English “Good morning, you look fine today!”  My English pronunciation needed still some brushing up.

     My good humour vanished into thin air when I remembered our afternoon meeting. How could I face Kyo after what happened yesterday? This was the time to behave like adults, no scenes and no tears, just _strictly business_. I remembered how I had loathed those two words. Now I understood, why Kyo had been trying to keep our relationship neutral: When you loved someone it made you both vulnerable and stronger, but problems in the relationship jeopardized the band’s future.

      When I arrived at the studio, Kyo was waiting for me at the lobby. He asked me to join him for a talk and headed for the lobby couch group. I followed him there feeling uneasy. I really hoped he had regained his balance and wouldn’t arrange a scene here in public.

     “How are you this morning?” Kyo asked looking surprisingly happy. He smiled his toothy smile that I loved so much. “You look very vibrant!” he complimented me.

     “I’m good. I finally managed to sleep properly. And you?” I asked.

     “I spent the night at Die’s…” he said, but didn’t continue.

     “Guess you didn’t sleep on the couch then?” I probed and smiled at him.

     “No, I didn’t and neither did Die.” he confessed and blushed slightly.

      His words salved my bad conscience. “I’m so glad for you! I hope you two will be happy” I said and meant it with all my heart. Just then I saw Die enter the lobby. He waived his hand at us but continued directly to the meeting rooms. Obviously he didn’t want to disturb our discussion. His stride was very energetic and he too looked happy. Maybe things were going to be ok anyhow.

     Our meeting went just fine, no signs of any tension between our small team. Die was happy, Kyo was happy and I was happy. Shinya eyed at Kyo looking worried, but relaxed when he saw Kyo smiling and even joking about some funny details in the visit plan. We managed to agree on our schedules and responsibilities during Apocalyptica’s visit. I volunteered to meet the guys at the airport together with our manager on Sunday just after the New Year. We would escort them to their hotel in the morning and the whole team would meet later in the evening at a welcome dinner.


	6. Apocalyptica reloaded

##  **Apocalyptica reloaded (6)**

     Before Apocalyptica’s arrival I met our manager at the studio and from there we continued to The Prince Park Tower Hotel to collect Anna, who had arrived already on Saturday evening.  We had called a minibus taxi to collect our visitors, their instruments and luggage.

       I sat alone part of our drive to Narita airport. Anna was discussing the practical arrangements of the visit with our manager and I had time to think. It was difficult to give up the small hope I had to renew my relationship with Eicca. Maybe he would dismiss me completely now that he had had time to consider.

      I had tried very hard to improve my English so that I could communicate with him at least on elemental level. I had received couple of emails from him, when it was confirmed that he would be coming to Tokyo. He had urged me to answer in Japanese; He would translate my messages somehow. That was a bit cumbersome for him, but I had done so. I really hated this language barrier between us.

      Anna interrupted my thoughts when she came to sit with me.  “You look good this morning”, she smiled and touched my hand. “I really appreciate what you did to save us from trouble. But wasn’t it a bit too drastic to end your relationship with Kyo just like that?”

     ”No, I had considered that already for some time. I just decided that this was the right time to do it. Of course it was a tough decision…” I explained to relieve her concerns.

      “How did Kyo take that?” she asked looking worried.

       “I don’t actually know. He was very calm, almost paralyzed and I was afraid that he was in shock. Anyway, next morning he seemed to be ok. He told me that Die had been there to support him - I think they have been seeing each other now and then after that.”

      I could see that Anna wasn’t exactly happy to hear that. I wanted to change the subject. “By the way, Die is scared to death of skiing.” I sneered at Anna. “He will probably run away before our trip to Finland.” Anna frowned and muttered something about getting outdoor exercise.

      We had to end our conversation as we had arrived at Narita airport. I felt again butterflies in my belly. I was so nervous that I just couldn’t sit down and wait. I had to pace back and forth staring at the arrivals exit. To my relief the plane landed on time and the agonizing wait would be soon be over.  My heart thudded when I saw them enter through the doors. Probably just about everyone in the arrival area fixed their eyes on these tall, good looking guys in their leather jackets. They knew we were waiting for them so their eyes scanned around the crowd to find us. It didn’t take long before Eicca’s grey eyes found mine. He flashed his dazzling smile at me and I did the same. I knew he wasn’t going to dismiss me. When he greeted me, the electric current generated by his handshake penetrated directly into my groin. This was going to be difficult: How the hell was I going to keep my hands off this gorgeous man?

      “Anna told me you’ve been brushing up your English” Eicca started the discussion after we had packed their luggage and instruments into our boot and climbed into the bus. “You have a good opportunity to practice with us this week. I started to study Japanese, but it seems very difficult because the writing is so different. I get all mixed up with the hiragana’s and katakana’s and kanji are almost impossible for me to learn” he confessed.

      I was happy that he clearly wanted to put some effort into our relationship.  “Thanks for trying”, I said. “It is important to me.”

      During the rest of our drive he did most of the talking. I noticed I could understand him quite well, but it was difficult to answer his questions in English.  I replied instead in Japanese and he clearly grasped some of it. He had really done his homework. He told me about the making of their latest live album Wagner Reloaded, which had been released just before Christmas, and the preparations of their new studio album. Kyo was supposed to sing on two tracks that had been composed especially with him in mind. Kyo would write the lyrics, of course in Japanese.

       We left the guys in the hotel to check in and rest a while. We’d have a welcoming dinner in the evening with the whole team. I returned home feeling light hearted and satisfied with myself.  This was going to be both challenging and interesting week.


	7. Exit wounds

#  **Kyo**

 

##  **Exit wounds (7)**

     I knew something was wrong the minute I saw the sombre and determined expression on Tochi’s face, when he beckoned me to follow him to Dies bedroom in the middle of the party. It wasn’t going to be sex games this time.

     I was almost paralyzed when I stood there in front of him waiting him to start.  My consciousness escaped from my body, hovering somewhere close to the ceiling watching and waiting for the blow. I could see myself standing there without a word when Tochi told me that he was leaving. That he couldn’t take our relationship anymore. That I was too much for him…  My consciousness was screaming at him: “No, you can’t do this to me! I can’t stand being alone again! I love you, every single part of you! Please don’t leave me!”  But I said nothing. Instead I saw myself agreeing with his decision. I didn’t want him to be unhappy.

     I was completely helpless in my grief and all my strength was running out of my body. I tried to lift my hand to touch his face for the last time, but I couldn’t. When Tochi had left and closed the door, the last remains of my strength were gone and I just fell on my knees. I embraced myself with my arms trying to keep myself together. I had a huge pressure building up inside me wanting to rip me into pieces. I felt something hot running down my cheeks and wetting my hands and trousers. Was I bleeding? I checked my hands. No, it was just my tears. I felt so tired… So I curled on my side on Die’s bedroom carpet and closed my eyes. I would never want to wake up anymore…

     But I _did_ wake up. The house was quiet. It must be late, I thought and tried to see what the time was. I just could see the hands of my watch. I sat up feeling giddy and wondered what I should do.  I didn’t want to be alone - that would make me crazy. So I decided to ask Die if I could stay the night here.  I sneaked quietly to the bathroom to wash my face. My reflection looked awful. The guy in the mirror had red, swollen eyes, red nose and his cheek was imprinted with weird looking patterns from sleeping on a rough carpet. I tried to rub my cheek to get rid of the imprints, blew my nose and dried my face. That would have to do.

     I took a ragged breath, collected my courage and stepped out of the bathroom to find Die. The house was quiet, except for the Christmas music that was still playing nonstop. The floor was littered with wrapping papers of our Christmas presents. Empty bottles, glasses and plates with food remains were everywhere. I found Die sleeping in the corner of his couch. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. I just couldn’t leave him to deal with all this mess alone. So I started to clean up.

     I collected a load of empty bottles in my lap and carried them to kitchen. I had to do that several times to get everything collected. It felt good to do something with my hands. I managed to keep my feelings in check until Elvis started to sing about Blue Christmas. I knew the song so I started to sing along, but when he came to the part telling about heartache and being alone I just crumbled again.  What the hell was I going to do without him? No warmth, no presents, no nothing, just my empty apartment… Tears started again pouring from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

      Just when I was losing it completely, I heard Die’s voice behind me saying something about cleaning. I didn’t want him to see me crying so I tried to dry my eyes. In a second he was there, holding me, his eyes worried. He demanded to know what had happened and I tried to explain him the situation as well as I could despite of my sobbing and running nose. I knew I was a miserable sight.

     Finally I managed to ask Die if I could stay the night. I could see he was first surprised and then clearly delighted. I had never slept over here, not even when others did. Of course he assumed I wanted to sleep on his couch. I don’t know was it the way he was holding me or the happy look in his eyes, but I got this crazy urge to sleep with him, kiss him. The words just slipped out of my mouth. “I think your bed is wide enough for two of us.”

     This was certainly something he didn’t expect. He seemed to be completely at loss with my proposal. He probably needed some encouragement so I raised my hands around his neck and tugged his head closer to kiss him. I was definitely going mad, but I liked it. Die seemed to hesitate a bit, but surrendered then and let me kiss him. The kiss was perfect, soft and passionate. I knew I wasn’t alone anymore, I had Die with me.


	8. A virgin

##  **A virgin (8)**

       I was lying on my side in Die’s bed behind his back my arm around him. It was early morning couple of days after Christmas. I had woken up after a very lively erotic dream. I was hard and I felt a painful need to fuck this beautiful man sleeping in my arms. He really was beautiful, not anymore in a feminine way, but masculine. He had grown more muscular and sturdy during the years. He was still slim, no extra fat anywhere, and his ass was flat unlike my fleshy buttocks. Yes, he was something to Die for.

      I kissed his neck and ear and folded my hand around his balls and soft dick.  He mumbled something and pushed his behind against my hard erection.

      “Wakey, wakey, my sleeping beauty!” I teased him and caressed his back and his buttocks. I reached my hand to retrieve the lube tube I had planted in his bedside table drawer couple of days ago.

      “Can I fuck you for real?” I whispered in his ear. I could feel his body stiffen and he didn’t answer right away.

      “Does it hurt?” he finally asked.

      I was horrified and amused at the same time. “Holy Moses! Are you a virgin?”  

      “Depends on the side, front side no, backside yes” Die answered smile in his voice. This was new…

      I was afraid my large dick wasn’t the best thing to practice with. “No, it doesn’t hurt, if I prepare you well and we take it slowly. We can try with just one finger first” I proposed.

      “Please be careful” he pleaded but I could feel his dick getting harder. He wasn’t too afraid.

      I started caressing his dick with my hand until he was hard and hot. I warmed the lube in my hand and spread it then in his back gate. Then I started to push my finger into him. He was tight but finally he relaxed and let me in. I moved my finger carefully inside him while I was jerking him off with my hand.  After a while he started to moan and his body was arching like a bow against me. “Please, not yet” he whispered. I withdrew my finger and let him calm down a bit. I thought it would be nicer to use a condom, so it wouldn’t be so messy afterwards. I snapped the thing on me, spread more lube on my shaft and started pushing myself into him very, very slowly.  This time he wasn’t so tight anymore and I could get myself through quite easily.  He started to moan again and he grabbed my hair with his hands. He was hurting me but I didn’t care. I just needed to sink myself into him.

       I pushed my shaft deeper inside him and waited him to settle down.  I felt his dick throbbing in my hand. He was going to explode in a second.  I withdrew my dick slightly and pushed it in again. There he was, shooting his sperm all over the place. He whined and his whole body shook like he was having some kind of fit. His wild reaction made me almost mad. I pushed myself into him as deep as I could and exploded completely out of my senses…

      “Are you ok?” I asked a little worried, after I had withdrawn my dick and removed the condom. He was awfully quiet, his eyes were closed and his breathing still heavy. “Did I hurt you?” I was starting to panic.

      “No you didn’t. I just didn’t know feelings like that existed. It’s so confusing. Like I didn’t know myself at all”, he finally explained and turned to face me. He had tears in his eyes but he smiled. Jeez, that smile was something I would never exchange to anything in this world. He kissed me with his soft lips. ”I love you more than you know” he said and kissed me again….


	9. A pleasant surprise

##  **A pleasant surprise (9)**

      I had learned one thing about my short but intensive relationship with Tochi: Give your lover some space. I was trying not to push myself on Die too much. He had a very lively social life and I didn’t want to interfere with that. Luckily I had also my own little projects like Zemekisu and my poetry. I was also gathering a team of young talented musicians to play in my own band project. The time I spent with Die was like a special treat to me.  I must admit that my sex life suffered from this arrangement, but I could live with that.

       It was one of those cosy evenings alone. I was relaxing in my apartment listening to my favourite music and sketching Zemekisu, when I heard my doorbell ring. I was reluctant to open the door but did that anyway. I found myself staring in the mesmerizing grey eyes of Vinushka. She was standing at my door looking like she wasn’t sure she should be there. She was dressed in jeans, T-shirt, leather jacket and converse looking more like a teenager than a business woman I had met. She was carrying a large handbag on her shoulder, but didn’t have any luggage with her.  She tilted her head slightly on one side, smiled and asked “Hello stranger, can I come in?”

       I was overwhelmed by her pale beauty. I realized now that I had missed her, her warmth, her determination and sense of poetry. I grabbed her by the arms and kissed her cheeks as welcome.

       “So good to see you again!  Are you going to stay in Tokyo for long?” I asked leading her into my apartment and feeling hopeful.

       “Sorry to barge on you like this, but I couldn’t help myself. I just arrived and wanted to pay you a visit before anything else. I will stay for a week. I’m helping your manager with all the practical details of Apocalyptica’s visit.”

      “Where are you staying?” I asked now curious.

      “I’m staying at The Prince Park Tower Hotel, close to the Tokyo Tower. Apocalyptica is staying there too. I got us a quite nice deal for one week’s stay.” she mused.

      “I know the place. It’s quite close to our recording studio.”

       I took her jacket, gave her my guest slippers to wear and led her to my living room. We sat down on my couch and I waited her to start - she must have something on her mind. But she didn’t say a word, just stared at me with her grey eyes.

      “Why did you want to see me?” I finally asked her. She smiled at me and lowered her eyes.

      “I just missed you”, she whispered and moved her hand on mine.  My heart skipped a beat. I hadn’t forgotten how gorgeous it was to make love to her.

      “I missed you too”, I confessed and raised my hand to touch her cheek. I wanted desperately to kiss her. She leaned forward and put her soft lips on mine. I grabbed her face between my hands and kissed her with all my heart.

     “I’d like to make love to you”, I murmured in her ear between our kisses. She seemed to melt in my arms

     “Please do”, she breathed and her hands caressed the bare skin under my shirt.

      I grabbed her hand and led her to my bedroom. She undressed herself in front of me without a trace of shame. Her body was graceful, tall and slender, her breasts like two firm apples.  I removed my clothes the same way she did, proud of my body… She sneered at me when she saw my throbbing dark dick waiting for her. She stepped closer taking it into her hand. “You’re such a beautiful man”, she breathed.

      I sat down on my bed and she climbed into my lap grabbing my dick in her hand leading me inside her. She was so warm, soft and wet. I kissed her lovely breasts, biting her nipples and sucking them. She lowered herself on my shaft sinking it into her down to the last inch. Then she started moving in a constant, slow rhythm. Up and down, up and down… She was riding me like I was a stallion. She caressed my face and kisses my lips her breathing accelerating as she approached the climax. Finally I felt her strong contractions around my shaft. She sank her teeth into my shoulder in her ecstasy and collapsed exhausted in my lap. I pushed her on my bed and sunk my dick into her over and over again until I exploded too. She moaned and called my name her nails biting into my back.

      “You’re the best”, she breathed in my ear sliding her hands on my back and buttocks. “You can’t imagine how I have longed for you. I was almost sick when I couldn’t see you”, she continued and bit my ear. “I just had to listen to your voice and try to imagine your body on top of mine. That was like torture to me.”

      I was confused. I had never understood I was important to her, that she needed me so badly. I just didn’t know what to say to her. I didn’t want to tell her about my relationship with Die. It didn’t feel right.

      “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you felt that way.” I finally said feeling a bit awkward.

       “Please, don’t take me wrong! I’m not pushing you into anything. I know you have other engagements”, she reassured me. “I just needed this. You are my favourite guy no matter what”, she smiled and kissed me on my cheek. “Now I will have to leave to check in my hotel.”

       She climbed out of my bed and hurried into my bathroom to clean up. I sat on my bed in my pyjama bottoms and tried to figure out what I felt for her. We had this strange connection that bonded us together, not exactly love, not friendship but more like being soul mates. We fitted perfectly together physically and I felt completely at ease with her.

       I had to interrupt my reflections when Vinushka stepped out of the bathroom wearing my towel. She dressed up quickly and sat then on the bed beside me. “You look puzzled. What are you thinking?” she asked and took my hand in hers.

      “I was just trying to understand my feelings for you”, I answered honestly.

      “Please don’t make this too complicated! Let’s enjoy what we have. You never know what the future brings.”  She caressed my cheek with her hand and rose to leave. I escorted her to the door and kissed her goodbye. “See you tomorrow!” she promised and vanished down the staircase waving her hand.


	10. Welcome dinner

#  **Vinushka**

 

##  **Welcome dinner (10)**

The Prince Park Tower Hotel had a good selection of restaurants so we decided to have our dinner there. I just loved teppanyaki restaurants, where the chef prepared the dinner in front of your very eyes. It was nice to watch his controlled movements when he was preparing the ingredients.  His work was like ballet. Besides you could always ask what he was doing. I thought Apocalyptica guys would also enjoy the fresh mushrooms, vegetables and excellent marbled beef that was on the menu, so we ended up selecting that for our dinner. The seating order mixed the two teams so that maximum interaction would be achieved from the beginning.  Eicca was seated between Tochi and Die. I had selected my position strategically between Die and Kyo; I wanted to talk with Die and needed to feel the closeness of Kyo.  Perttu was sitting between Kyo and Kaoru and Paavo next to Kaoru.   Mikko, Apocalypica drummer, was flanked by Dir En Grey manager and Shinya. Maybe Shinya could figure out something to say to his colleague, who seemed to be quite a lively person. We all knew there was a huge language barrier between the two teams, but maybe we could overcome that somehow.

       Our table was a large rectangle which had a flat surface grill in the middle and table tops surrounding it on three sides. The fourth side was occupied by our chef, who was arranging his ingredients and cooking utensils ready for our meal.  Restaurant had several of these tables and every single one was fully populated. Most of the people seemed to be business men with their Japanese hosts. Our team woke up some attention when we entered the restaurant and took our seats: tall, long haired rockers with their Japanese counterparts were not obviously a very common sight here.

      We started with a toast and Dir En Grey manager gave a short welcome speech to our guests. After that everybody concentrated in enjoying our delicious dinner.  The silence was quickly replaced with lively discussions in English and Japanese.  Tochi and Eicca were probably talking about Eicca’s Japanese studies: They had a piece of paper in front of them and Tochi was pointing out things on the table writing them down on the paper.  He seemed to be enjoying the fact that he was teaching Eicca and not vice versa.  Die participated in this Japanese tutorial for a while but sank then deep into his own thoughts.

       I decided to use the opportunity and take up the skiing issue with Die. “How did you like your birthday present?” I asked him with innocent eyes knowing that he didn’t like to talk about the subject.

       “I know you meant well, but I don’t have much use for the skis here in Tokyo”, he answered looking a bit embarrassed.

       “Well, actually I wanted you to learn something about our Finnish culture and nature when you come to Finland next spring.  I have always enjoyed the silence and calm of our forests. It is a complete opposite of the Tokyo rush hour.  I thought you might like the opportunity hear your own thoughts and let your mind rest. I’m not a great skier but I can teach you the elements of cross country. If you don’t like it, I don’t mind. Besides fresh, clean air does you good. You’ve been smoking far too long. It’s not good for you.”

       I noticed that I probably sounded like his mother. “Sorry, maybe I am fussing too much over your well-being. You’re just so important to me”, I confessed hoping that Die would also accept that.

      “How are you progressing with your lyrics for the Apocalypica tracks? I asked Kyo to get his attention. He gave me a warm smile and put his hand on mine under the table.

      “You know I am using your poems as starting material. They seemed to fit the mood of those tracks very well. I think I will need your help to complete the lyrics tomorrow evening.  We could work at your hotel, if that’s ok for you?” Of course that was ok for me. I noticed a glimpse of lust in his dark eyes. Maybe we could enjoy more than just poetry tomorrow.

      Die of course heard our little conversation. I could see the pain in his eyes. He could never have Kyo all to himself. I felt sorry for him and wanted to leave him alone with Kyo for a while.  I excused myself and left the table to powder my nose and check my emails. I stared at my reflection in the ladies room mirror. I was such a jerk. Why did I have to want Kyo so much? I didn’t have the guts to leave him alone even though that would have been the best thing to do.  I had stopped stalking them after their US tour and managed to stick to my decision. I had a good motivation to do so; I never ever wanted to feel again the pain and frustration I experienced when I saw Kyo and Tochi making love.

      So I abstained from stalking even though my heart was screaming for Kyo. I had to wait for the Apocalyptica visit to see him. My longing for him was so painful that I had to see him immediately when I arrived at Tokyo. I felt extremely insecure when I was standing behind his door not knowing how he would react. To my surprise he was happy to see me. And above of all, he gave me what I needed the most, himself and his love.

     When I returned to the table the guys were drinking whisky shots and looking extremely satisfied. Die was sitting with Kyo his hand resting on his thigh. He was smiling and joking again. I didn’t want to disturb the lovers so I joined Tochi and Eicca to talk about our Japanese studies.

      We concluded the evening in short thanks from both teams. Kaoru thanked our guest for the possibility of working with them.  Eicca congratulated us for a fantastic restaurant and menu selection and wished us all good luck in our co-operation. I retired in my room satisfied with my achievements. I had managed to bring these two bands together. Now it was their turn to create something unique from our Finnish-Japanese joint venture.


	11. The lyrics

##  **The lyrics (11)**

      In our schedule Monday and Tuesday had been reserved for recording Kyo’s vocals for Apocalyptica tracks. I wasn’t planning to spend my day in the studio so I just escorted the band there. Kyo and Die were already at the studio when we arrived. I could see that Kyo was nervous. He was pacing back and forth in his black hoodie mumbling something by himself. Die was there probably just to support him. His English skills might be useful during the day.

       I confirmed my meeting schedule with Kyo, wished everybody good luck and headed for my sightseeing tour. I already felt butterflies in my belly thinking about our afternoon session. I had never actually worked with Kyo so that was going to be a completely new experience. I was afraid that my poems turned out to be a lousy starting point for the lyrics.  Kyo was known for his strive for perfection.

        Then there was this “unofficial” part of the evening that could bring new surprises. I wasn’t afraid of anything as I knew he was a considerate lover who cared about the feelings of his partner and respected his/her self-determination. Judging by the intense look in his eyes this morning he had something special on his mind.

       I spent my morning and part of the afternoon wandering around the numerous parks and shrines located close to our hotel.  I climbed to the foot of Tokyo Tower to admire the dog statues there.  The tower itself was actually quite ugly. I also visited Zojoji temple and the close by cemetery. The place was completely different from what I was used to in Finland; packed with stonework and wooden sticks containing prayers. After grabbing some late lunch in a local diner I headed back to my hotel to rest and prepare for Kyo’s visit.

       He was punctual as always.  I heard a knock on my door at four o’clock as we had agreed.  Kyo seemed happy enough when I opened the door for him. “How was your day?” I asked, afraid that something might have gone wrong and he wasn’t going to stay.

      “Well, I think I have now a pretty good idea how we should structure our lyrics. I listened to the instrumental tracks Apocalyptica guys had prepared beforehand and rehearsed my vocals.  Of course the lyrics didn’t fit so I had to sing gibberish. They thought that was hilarious”, he frowned. “I have my notes here, so let’s start!” he said sounding eager and dug up a bunch of papers from his inside pocket.

      We spent almost three hours in analysing the phrases and words we wanted to use.  He sang the melody by heart as we tested our alternatives. Finally he was satisfied with the lyrics.

      “The final adjustments will have to be done in tomorrow’s recording session”, he said stretching his back after our long session. We had been sitting on the hotel room carpet our papers spread on the floor. Now the floor was littered with crumpled papers containing the rejected versions of lyrics. He folded the final version into his pocket and returned to collect the scrap papers into waste paper bin.

      “I’m starving”, I said hearing my stomach crumble.

      “I’m starving too… for you”, Kyo smiled and helped me up from the floor. He grabbed me into his arms and kissed my lips gently.

      I forgot my hunger completely when his hands caressed my back and his fingers found their way on my bare skin under the T-shirt.

      “It’s been a long day. Let’s have a shower before we do anything else”, he proposed and started to pull me to the direction of the bathroom.

      Showering with him was great fun. I washed his hair, although there wasn’t much of it nowadays, and he washed mine. I asked him about the history of his tattoos and he pointed out various parts of my body wanting to know how they were called in Finnish. I made him laugh by ranting some Finnish sentences that sounded like Japanese but weren’t. I tried to explain what things like _heteka_ or _nai_ actually ment but I had to stop before he would choke in his laughter.

      I felt completely relaxed when he dried me and lead me to the large double bed occupying most of the room. He sat on the bed and grabbed me into his lap like last Saturday. I felt his hard dick between our bodies. He kissed my breasts biting the nipples gently and slid his hands down my sides.

       “I would like to know how you taste” he whispered in my ear. “Can I do that?” I wasn’t exactly sure what he had in mind but I trusted him and wanted to give him all the pleasure I could. My insides contracted from excitement when I answered yes to his question. He rolled me from his lap on my back so that by bottom was just at the edge of the bed. He raised my feet on the bed side too and slid himself on the floor. My sex was now completely exposed to his intense gaze. He started kissing my thighs moving slowly down to my intimate parts. Suddenly I felt his tongue sliding down the side of my clit towards my wet opening. He pushed his tongue slightly inside me and then continued up on the other side. He clearly avoided touching the most sensitive part of my sex. He probably wanted to enjoy this for some time.  So he continued his travelling up and down until I was moaning with desire and begged him to let me come.  In a second his mouth was sucking me, making this small circular movement that drove me completely mad. My body exploded in almost violent contractions against his persistent mouth.

       “I like your taste”, he smiled climbing back on the bed with me.  I could taste myself on his lips when he kissed me. He took me in his arms my back against his chest. I could feel his throbbing dick against my bottom and then it was inside me.  He pushed himself into me all the way to the hilt. “You’re so soft and wet”, he whispered and pushed himself slightly deeper still. I was so sensitized after my orgasm I had to ask him to wait a while. So we just laid there feeling each other’s bodies in this deep connection. He was filling me completely and his arms were keeping me safe.

      After a while he started to move inside me. He was reciting our poem in my ear. His soft voice repeated the lyrics we had just completed with a passion that was hard to bear. He was making memories that would last the rest of our lives no matter what happened.  I would always remember him when I heard these words and the music belonging to them.  The familiar tension was again building up inside my body. We were again ascending the stairway to heaven and this time we reached the top together. Tears of joy flowed freely down my cheeks. How could anything be so perfect?


	12. At the studio

#  **Kaoru**

 

##  **At the studio (12)**

      Tuesday morning was rainy but that couldn’t suppress our high spirits. Today we would complete the first part of our project, the recording of Kyo’s vocals for coming Apocalyptica album. It would be extremely interesting to hear how his singing fitted with the Apocalyptica’s sound world. This would be the first time they would have Japanese lyrics on their album. Most of the visiting artists had sung in English, but also German and French had been used.

      Anna and Apocalyptica arrived looking energetic and well rested. Paavo, the guy who looked more like a bodybuilder than a cellist, walked directly to me and Die after hanging his coat on the rack.

      “Guess what guys!” he enthused. “I found a decent sauna in our hotel. I went to check it this morning. It’s actually of Finnish making so it can’t be that bad. There was nothing important on our agenda this evening so I reserved it for all of us. Can you make it tonight?” he asked looking eager.

      “Well, I don’t know. I’ve never been to sauna and neither have the others”, I answered carefully.

      “C’mon. It’s just sauna. You will survive it. Besides there’s a swimming pool also. We can order some beer and snacks for the evening so that we won’t starve.”

      “Ok, I will check with my band mates first”, I promised not wanting to disappoint him.

      I went to explain Paavo’s plans to Kyo, Tochi and Shinya who were preparing for Kyo’s recording in the isolation booth and control room.  Kyo didn’t seem very eager but Tochi was for the proposal. Die’s opinion saved my neck. “Hey guys, we’re not going to chicken out now! They will ridicule us for the rest of our lives if we don’t join them in this sauna evening.”

      “I don’t like this Viking stuff”, Shinya complained and looked really scared. I couldn’t tell him that I was the one who should be worried; I couldn’t swim! 

      “I will hold your hand”, Die promised and tapped Shinya on his shoulder.

      “Ok, everybody will join”, I concluded and returned to Paavo to tell the good news.

      We completed Kyo’s vocals in a record time. The lyrics sounded gorgeous – I’d had my doubts about Anna’s poems but this exceeded all my expectations. Anna had translated the lyrics also in Finnish and Apocalyptica guys had the translations available when we listened the end result. Kyo’s soft, passionate voice convinced also our Finnish colleagues.

      “Jeez, that sounds great”, I heard Perttu sigh as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

      Our guests headed for their hotel ahead of us - they wanted to go jogging before sauna. We continued for a while in the studio to review the details of our recording session tomorrow.  We had composed one slow ballad and one very aggressive, fast tempo rock piece for our co-operation project. The following days would be used to rehearse and record them with Apocalyptica.


	13. Sauna evening

##  **Sauna evening (13)**

      We walked the short way to their hotel in silence. No one, not even Die, was joking or making fun of Shinya, which was the normal procedure for us. The idea of spending the evening naked with almost foreign people and torturing yourself with birch twigs made my skin crawl. Ok, maybe Paavo had exaggerated a bit when telling us about their sauna habits.

      Mikko was waiting for us in the hotel lobby and guided us down to the hotel fitness facilities, where they had also a sauna and a swimming pool. He led us into a dimly lit area looking like a large living room. There was group of cosy chairs and a sofa with a low table in the middle. A fireplace gave some light and created dancing shadows on one side of the room. The other side had an open kitchen area with a fridge, freezer, microwave and stove.  The wall closest to the entrance was covered with narrow lockers for visitors’ clothes and other personal belongings.  Each locker had a fluffy looking towel and a bathrobe folded in front of it.

      “Just leave your clothes here”, Mikko instructed us removing his own T-shirt and waiting us to do the same. Tochi followed his example without hesitation. Shinya seemed to have his doubts about undressing in front of everybody. Die poked his ribs with his elbow. “C’mon, just do it! I won’t look!” Mikko removed his jeans and pants and left his watch in the locker. We could hear voices and sound of water splashing on the floor from the neighbouring room. “Sorry, but the guys are already showering. They were soaking with sweat after their jog”, Mikko explained standing there stark naked without a trace of shame. Ok, this was normal. I had done my homework and new that they had even recorded one of their classical pieces naked in the studio.

        Mikko opened the door to the showering area and waited patiently for Shinya, who was the last one to rid himself of his clothes. Eicca and Perttu came to greet us with a handshake. “Glad you could make it!” Eicca smiled and eyed at Tochi’s slender body with appreciation. “Please take a shower first and join us in the sauna after that.”

      Paavo was probably already in there as we could hear the sharp sizzle of water when it was thrown on the stove.  Eicca opened the smoke glass door and peeked in asking something in Finnish. “Paavo has forgotten the birch switches”, he frowned. “Hi guys!” we heard Paavo’s voice from the darkness. “I’ll go and check if I can find any. They normally have some in the freezer.” He climbed down from the upper level of sauna benches and his sturdy, naked body vanished into the dressing room.  We climbed up to the benches with our seat covers trying to look brave.

        “Just take the lower bench if you don’t like the heat”, Mikko instructed us. Tochi climbed up to sit with Eicca and I sat beside Perttu on the opposite side. Shinya chose a place on the lower bench and Die joined him probably just to support his friend. Kyo climbed on the upper level with me and Perttu looking determined.

       Paavo returned looking delighted. “I found four _vihta_ in the freezer. I left them soaking in a bucket for a while. They will be ok when we have taken our first swim.” He joined Eicca and Tochi on the upper bench and started telling about the Finnish sauna tradition. Now and then he threw water on the stove covered with stones. The heat felt very intense after every throw but faded then to a tolerable level. Paavo had a dreamy look in his eyes when he told about the silent summer evening beside a lake or on seaside when you could almost hear your thoughts. I could see that these memories were precious to him. “You would enjoy that too. Please let us know if you come to visit Finland during the summer. We can arrange a sauna evening in the Turku archipelago. I have a summer cottage there.”

      After a while everybody was sweating freely. “Now it’s time for a shower and a swim. Will you join me?” Eicca asked Tochi.  He followed Eicca willingly.  I was planning to hit the showers and take a beer in the dressing room when Perttu turned to me and asked me for a swim.  I nodded and we left to shower. “I can’t swim”, I confessed when no one else could hear. “That’s ok. The pool is shallow at one end. Just take a dip while I swim”, he reassured me. His advice sounded good so I followed him to the pool area. Tochi and Eicca were swimming at the far end of the pool. It looked like they were having a competition who would reach the end first. Tochi was out of breath when he returned to my end of the pool swimming in free style. He was enjoying himself.

      When we returned to the showers we found Paavo and Shinya testing the condition of soaked _vihta._ Paavo smacked Shinya in the back with his _vihta_ and Shinya slapped his chest with his. Very soon they were chasing each other around the room. Shinya escaped into sauna and Paavo followed him. “Got you, you little devil”, I heard him growl and then there was a long silence…

       When I entered the sauna with Perttu, Shinya and Paavo were sitting quietly on the upper bench and Shinya was gently smacking Paavo’s back with his birch switch. Paavo steamed the rest of the _vihta_ in the heat above the stove and handed them to Eicca and Perttu. “We’ll show you how to use them and then you can try yourselves.” Perttu slapped his back and chest with his _vihta_ and then soaked it in the bucket offering it to me.  I declined politely but he insisted me to test it. “Ok, just lean forward and I will do it for you. Believe me, it feels good!” I did his bidding. The leaves felt very soft on my back and left a light birch aroma on my skin. I thanked him and asked if I could return the favour. Maybe I was clumsy but I did smack his back with the _vihta_ and he seemed to enjoy that.

      I was feeling too hot so I decided to have a shower and quick dip in the pool. To my surprise Perttu joined me again. I waited for him to finish his swim and we headed together back to sauna. “I’m hungry like a wolf! I’ll go and check if our snacks have been delivered”, he shouted to the other guys. When we returned to the dressing room, we noticed that a trolley with several type of grilled sausages had been brought in. Large bowls of salad and bread and well cooled beer bottles were standing on the table.  I was also hungry so I dressed in my bathrobe and sat in one of the big armchairs. Perttu had only his towel on his waist when he opened two bottles of beer for us and sat in the chair next to me.

      “You have beautiful tattoos” he complimented me. “I have only these” he pointed at narrow bands circulating his arm and a larger tattoo on his shoulder. I don’t like the pain” he explained and frowned at the thought.

      “How is it to dress up as a woman? he asked suddenly. It seems to be very common in Japan but in Finland you never see that. I checked some of your old photos. Tochi looked gorgeous and so did you and Die.”

      “Well, it was just our work you know. Visual Kei style is popular in Japan and considered a normal part of our music culture. But we are too old for that now, except for Shinya - he still dresses up now and then to delight his friends.”

      Our conversation ended when the rest of the team joined us. Everybody grabbed some warm sausages, bread and salad and opened their beer bottles sighing in satisfaction. When our hunger was satiated Die picked up his acoustic guitar and started playing some of our old tunes.  Kyo sang with his beautiful, tender voice his dark eyes radiating happiness and calm. I couldn’t help noticing that Perttu reacted very strongly to Kyo’s singing. Why was he so sad today? Was he missing someone?

      It was getting late and Kyo, Die and Shinya were leaving. They’d probably sleep over at Die’s.  Tochi wasn’t obviously going anywhere - he was staying in the hotel with Eicca. I would have liked to talk more with Perttu, but I just couldn’t figure out a way to ask him. When we were standing in the lobby saying our goodbyes he suddenly grabbed my arm and asked if he could talk with me a while. “Will you join me for a drink in the bar?”

      We took our seats in the bar and ordered shots of good malt whiskey. For a while we sat in silence. Perttu was staring at his whisky glass and seemed to struggle with his words. “I have this strange urge to dress up as a woman and I don’t think it’s normal. I thought you had some experience in these matters.”

      “Actually it was a part of our Visual Kei image.  Anyways, I didn’t mind doing that.  I liked being beautiful. Why don’t you just try it and see how it feels like. You’re not too muscular and your body is slender. You’ll probably be a breath taking beauty in makeup and a beautiful dress. Shinya is our makeup artist. You two could be our drama queens. That would be great fun for a change.”

      Perttu looked relieved and finished his whisky shot. “Can I walk you to the station? I need some fresh air before going to sleep”, he asked. “I’ll get my coat, can you wait a sec?” I waited him at the lobby satisfied with our evening. He probably didn’t expect my encouragement in this cross-dressing thing.

     We walked close to the subway station entry and stopped there to watch the crescent moon shining above our heads. The temperature was close to zero as we could see our breath fumes in the evening air. “Funny to think that it’s about -15C cold in Helsinki right now”, Perttu smiled his hands deep in his pockets. I don’t know what madness struck me, but I grabbed his face between my hands and kissed him. His lips felt so soft against mine and his hair tickled my chin.  Oops…     


	14. Apologies

##  **Apologies (14)**

      Next morning everybody looked exhausted but happy. Kyo and Die had most likely enjoyed of a long and passionate night together.  Eicca and Tochi hadn’t probably slept at all judging by the dark shadows under their eyes. And I was all mixed up, because I hadn’t slept either although I had spent the night alone in my bed.  Shinya, Paavo and Mikko looked well rested, but Perttu was somehow withdrawn and clearly avoided talking to me. I had messed up the whole thing with my behaviour and I wasn’t proud of it. I would have to apologize him as soon as possible.

      We started our rehearsal with the slow ballad because that just felt better considering our mental state that morning. The melody was mostly my handwriting so it was my task to walk through the piece with Apocalyptica guys and tell them what we expected from them. Eicca grasped very fast what kind of sound we were after and explained his ideas to Perttu and Paavo. We played the piece together about dozen times until it sounded right and we had our dream take. They preferred this method of working because it produced a more natural and living sound, and so did we. We had to take a break at two o’clock because everybody was starving.  We decided to have our lunch at a close by diner. The walk there would take about ten minutes so I could present my apologies to Perttu then if he just wanted to talk with me.

      “I would like to have a word with you in private - will you walk with me?”  I asked him when we were leaving for the diner.  “Sure, why not”, Perttu agreed and we slowed down our walk so that others couldn’t hear what we were talking. “About last evening…I would like to apologize my behaviour last night. I hope I didn’t offend you”, I blurted out my apologies. “That won’t happen again.”  

      “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t offend me – vice versa. It’s just that I’m not used to feelings like this and I thought you might regret later”, Perttu answered looking worried.

      “Why would I regret kissing you?” I asked him in wonder. Your lips were made for kissing, I thought and felt again this strange urge to stop there in broad daylight and kiss him in front of all those people hurrying to their lunch hour. What the hell was wrong with me? Anyway, I felt better when I had my apologies off my chest. Perttu didn’t talk much during our lunch - he was probably trying to cope with his new self.

      On our walk back to the studio I had an idea: we could arrange a fancy-dress party on Thursday evening. We all would have a chance to refresh our memories of our Visual Kei time and Perttu could test how he felt about cross-dressing. I asked Die if we could have the party in his house.  He agreed probably just because that meant another possibility to spend some quality time with Kyo. Shinya promised to take care of the dresses, makeups and hairdos together with Tochi. I would be the catering manager.

      When I was sure I had the support of my band members I proposed the party to Apocalyptica guys. Eicca, Paavo and Mikko thought it was a great idea, but Perttu looked reserved. Maybe he was thinking I was pushing him too much into this VK stuff. “Please, just try it”, I pleaded. “I bet Tochi will have a hard time beating your looks!”  After my last comment he finally agreed - these Finns seemed to like competitions whatever they were. “Are you ready to give up your beard and moustache?” I asked just to confirm that he realized what he was getting into. “Have you ever seen a beauty queen with a moustache?” he sneered.

      Anna was a bit surprised when she heard about our new party plans. She had been on a sightseeing tour in Kyoto and its gardens since Tuesday and arrived back to Tokyo late Wednesday evening. I told her that Shinya and Tochi would help her to find a suitable costume for our party. “This will be interesting”, she mused and was actually quite pleased with the whole thing.


	15. Visual Kei party

##  **Visual Kei party (15)**

      We had to complete our working day a bit earlier on Thursday due to the party arrangements. Our recording had progressed quite smoothly and we were actually slightly ahead of our schedule. We could afford spending a few hours having fun.

      Tochi and Shinya had their trusted channels to get good looking clothes for cross-dressing. They took Perttu, Anna and Die with them to select their part outfits and accessories. I wanted to dress as a pirate. Eicca, Mikko and Paavo thought it was a good idea to have a whole crew on board. Eicca was selected as our captain. Kyo said that he’d use his hooded cloak and his creepy looking skeleton makeup. So the four of us headed for a shop I knew had a good selection of costumes available.

      Our ladies needed also time for doing their hair and makeup so we guys took care of the arrangements required at Die’s house. Anna had promised to compile a playlist for our party – I had no idea what kind of music we would hear in the evening. We boys were all ready to roll in good time. The dinner would be delivered by a catering service so we didn’t need to worry about cooking. Instead we concentrated on tasting our beer selection while waiting our ladies to arrive. Our pirate crew just about jumped up of excitement when we heard a taxi stop at Die’s gate. I volunteered to open the door for our ladies.

       Shinya had selected a white silk dress decorated with lace for our party. He had long blond hair that flowed in heavy curls down his shoulders and a pearl necklace decorating his lovely neck. Tochi was all legs in his platform boots and kimono-like blue dress that had long sleeves decorated with leather ribbons, wide belt on the waist and freely flowing short hem.  He was more beautiful now in his makeup and wild looking hair than ten years ago. I couldn’t help wondering how it would feel like to kiss those sensual lips.

      Anna was dressed in an all-black shadow hunter leather gear and heavy boots. She even had a whip with her and black runes on her arms and neck. She had couple of very real looking throwing knives tugged in her belt. Very impressive.

      Die had selected a long black dress with bead decorations and generous slits on the sides. The dress had wide shoulder line and he was wearing long black gloves with it. His red hair had been decorated with long braid like hair pieces. He looked definitely hot. I could see a flash of desire in Kyo’s eyes when Die entered the room.

      The biggest surprise was saved as last. I could hear the gasps of our pirate crew when Perttu stepped into the room looking like a queen. The silence was so deep I could hear the swish of his long, heavy dress when he moved his feet. His dress was combining silk and velvet in alternating patterns. It had long puffed sleeves and a generous neckline. His long dark hair had been braided and wound in buns on both sides of his head. His pale skin was perfect, no trace of beard or moustache. He was like Snow White with his pale skin, deep red lips, dark eyebrows and long laches. I just couldn’t take my eyes off him and neither could anyone else.

      I took Perttu by the hand and lead him to Die’s sofa. “Please sit down, your highness. Can I get you anything to drink? I asked bowing politely. “A whisky would be nice”, he answered. I could see how nervous he was – his hands were shaking slightly when he accepted the whisky glass I offered to him.

      Eicca came to sit beside Perttu in his pirate captain costume. He looked very handsome in his tight fitting blue jacket, white trousers, long-legged boots and slightly curled blond hair. “Congratulations, I’d never have thought you’d make such a gorgeous woman”, he grinned and raised his glass to salute Perttu. After a while I could see Eicca’s eyes fix on Tochi who was standing close by talking to Die and giggling to some joke of his. His laugh was so girly that even I could feel it in my groin. Probably Eicca felt the same as he was wriggling on his seat. Those tight trousers of his didn’t hide much of what was happening inside.

      Anna was a music lover whose iPod was loaded with all kinds of music starting from Bach to heavy rock. As she had promised she had compiled a playlist for this evening and was now connecting her iPod into Die’s home theatre system. I could see her flinch when Kyo sneaked behind her and whispered something in her ear. He looked really creepy in his skeleton makeup and long hooded robe. “Jeez, you startled me!” she turned scolding him playfully and hugging him in revenge.

       I started the party by welcoming the ladies and gentlemen and proposing a toast to all Visual Kei artists. “May their sex be a secret and may their beauty never fade.” Everybody cheered out loud and raised their glasses shouting _kampai_ or _kippis_. From there the party started rolling accompanied by music, drinks and interesting discussions.

      Our dinner was delivered punctually at seven. We had rearranged the living room to fit two tables side by side and enough chairs so that everybody could sit together and enjoy the dinner and Die’s bad jokes. The food was mainly Japanese style like sushi, tempura seafood and vegetables and yakitori chicken. Everything was chased down with good Japanese beer or whisky.  Everybody was in a good mood - even Kyo told a joke and laughed with others.

      Anna’s playlist was getting more romantic while the evening grew older.  After the dinner we collected the extra tables and chairs away and made room for a dance floor. All our pirates, including myself, wanted to have a dance with Perttu.  Also Die, Anna and Shinya were popular dance partners.  Paavo seemed to prefer Shinya over everyone else. Tochi wasn’t much of a dancer, besides he was far too tall in his platform shoes for everybody except Eicca.

      I happened to be on the dance floor with Perttu, Eicca and Tochi when a beautiful ballad telling about tattoos started to play. I asked Perttu what it was.  He recognized it immediately. “This is a Finnish band called Poets Of The Fall. I love this _Skin_ , but it’s a sad story.”  I held him in my arms listening to the lyrics. “Can I kiss you?” I asked him not wanting to surprise him anymore. He smiled and whispered yes.  

      The next song _Cradled in love_ was again from the same band. The melody and the lyrics possessed me completely and made me forget my surroundings. It was just me and Perttu standing in the middle of Die’s dimly lit living room kissing passionately. I could hear someone whistle and a short applause. I tried to calm down but Perttu’s hands made it impossible. His hands slid down my back to my behind and squeezed me against him. I needed to have this man right now! “Here’s the key to my study”, I heard Die’s voice in my ear as he dropped the key into my pocket. I had spent several nights sleeping over in his small study where he had his office desk, computer and an extra bed. Die saved my night by offering this private place for us.

      “Please come with me”, I whispered in Perttu’s ear and led him to the study beside Die’s bedroom. When I had locked the door behind me, I took a deep breath, collected my courage and asked him “Can I make love to you?”

     “Why do you think I’m here?” he sneered. “I have to get rid of this dress. I don’t want to mess it up. Can you help me with the buttons?” he asked turning his back to me.

       I unbuttoned his dress with shaky hands, slid it over his shoulders and let it drop on the floor. He didn’t have very much under it, just his erection. I kissed his neck and shoulders and turned him to face me. He removed the pins holding his braids in the buns and let the long braids fall down on his shoulders. Jesus, he was so beautiful and so ready for me.

      He undressed my shirt and helped me to take off my tight trousers that were now bursting of my hard dick. He gazed at me appreciating my body. “You look so great”, he smiled and slid his hands on my chest and arms. I took his hand and made him lie on the bed.  I lay beside him and held him in my arms so that I could feel his naked body against my skin. I had dreamt doing this since I first kissed him. I let my hands wander on his slender body. His skin was so fair - dark hair surrounded his dick and formed a narrow trail that reached close to his navel. I’d seen that in his photos. He was half naked in most of them.

      I squeezed his dick in my hand and caressed its sensitive head with my fingers. He closed his eyes and moaned with pleasure.  I started to kiss his body travelling slowly down to his navel and hips. His hard dick was waiting for me to suck it. It took him in my hands, let my tongue caress the silky tip and finally let it sink into my mouth as deep as I could manage. He grabbed my hair in his hands and pushed himself deeper in my throat. He was fucking me and I never wanted him to stop.

       His explosion in my mouth was loud and long. Luckily the music probably drowned some of his moaning. I crawled back to kiss his lips. “Are you ok?” I asked him when he didn’t open his eyes.

      “I don’t want to wake up from this dream”, he muttered sounding sleepy.  “You must be a dream and you are not there when I wake up.”

     “Sorry to say, but I’m not going to vanish anywhere”, I comforted him.  “But I think we should join the party again.”  We rested another ten minutes and then dressed up to visit bathroom and join our band mates.

     “Did you take a nap?” Die asked looking at Perttu’s wild looking hairdo and my red cheeks.

     “Not exactly”, I sneered and gave him his study key.

\---

      I wanted to have something fresh and cold to drink after my passionate nap with Perttu so I headed for the kitchen to find some mineral water or orange juice.  It looked like there was nobody there but I could hear a strange sound coming from somewhere close. I circled the kitchen isle to check if something was behind it. I found Anna sitting on the floor hear head buried in her hands and sobbing.

      “What’s wrong?” I kneeled down beside her and touched her arm. “I’m so sorry”, she sobbed sounding miserable. First I thought she had had too much to drink, but she sounded reasonably sober to me. “Can I do something to make you feel better?” I asked her. “You can’t sit there all night. Kyo will be worried if he can’t find you.”

      “No he won’t” she cried out and started to weep again.

      I needed to find Kyo to sort this out. I went to look for him, but couldn’t find him anywhere. “Have you seen Kyo lately?” I asked Die who was talking with Paavo and Shinya. “Maybe he is in the bedroom taking a rest”,  Die proposed. I knocked on Die’s bedroom door and opened it carefully. I could see Kyo lying on the bed his arm covering his face.

      “Are you ok?” I asked worried now. “I’m not sure”, he mumbled from behind his hand.

      “Why is Anna crying in the kitchen? Do you have anything to do with that?” I asked getting angrier every minute.

      “Sorry, but I can’t explain this to you. I’ll go and see her”, Kyo promised getting up. He look shocked and pale.

      “Please take care of her and don’t ruin our evening any more that this”, I scolded him and closed the door. I returned into the living room watching that he kept his promise. After a few minutes I saw his hooded figure walking to the kitchen and closing the door behind him. What the hell was going on here?


	16. Confessions

#  **Vinushka**

 

##  **Confessions (16)**

      Our party evening at Die’s seemed to be a great success. Everybody was enjoying the excellent food and good company. After the dinner I helped Die and Kyo to clean up the dishes so that we could move the extra tables and chairs from the living room. Kyo and I were alone in the kitchen when he happened to mention that Shinya had bought a beautiful red velvet dress at Seattle.

      “Yeah, that one. Shinya tempted Die to give him a blow job wearing that”, I laughed realizing too late that I wasn’t supposed to know anything about that.  Kyo frowned and asked immediately how I knew about it. I had blown it.  I didn’t want to lie to him so I decided to tell the truth come what may.

      “I saw it. I was there”, I answered feeling cold sweat creeping onto my skin.

      “But that’s not possible. You left and didn’t come with us to the hotel”, he claimed looking puzzled.

       I knew it was the time to tell him what I was. “I have this ability to leave my body and move around as a spirit. I was there, in that room, when it happened”, I explained.

      “What? You mean like invisible? Do you expect me to believe that?” he asked sounding sceptical.

       “Yes. I was also there when you and Tochi made love for the first time”, I said to convince him. His face turned pale and he leaned heavily against the table top for support.

       “I don’t believe you”, he whispered. “There was no one there except for us.”

       “Tochi fucked your ass and you just loved it. It almost killed me to watch that. I was so jealous of you”, I confessed knowing that he probably hated me for that.

       “But you’re not a spirit now?” he asked. There was a trace of fear in his voice.

       “Actually I am. You have a strong spirit too. You probably forced me to take this form when I came to visit you for the first time.  Why else would I look like Vinushka, the woman you loved so much?  This was clearly too much for him. I could see his hands trembling when he leaned against the table.

      “Why are you doing this?” he asked sounding desperate.

       “First I just wanted to know you, be with you and help you in some way to succeed. Then I noticed I have these strange gifts.  I never ever wanted to hurt you in any way. I thought you’d never accept me the way I was. I’m much older than I look, older than you.”

       He stared at my face looking angry and disappointed. “So everything we had was just eyewash. I thought you’d be the last person to betray me”, he said his voice full of venom. Then he turned his back on me and left without a word. Ok, this was the end of it, I thought and stood there paralyzed, tears flowing down my cheeks. I was so ashamed of myself that I just wanted to hide somewhere. There was nowhere to go so I hid myself behind the kitchen isle and hoped no one would find me.

      I was sitting there and trying to calm myself down when Kaoru found me. He was of course worried and wanted to know what was wrong with me. I couldn’t tell him the things I had told to Kyo so I just said him that I was sorry. My calm broke down again when he mentioned Kyo. He probably realized that Kyo had something to do with my tears and rushed away to find him.

      After a couple of minutes Kyo returned and closed the kitchen door behind him. “I’m sorry that I was rude to you”, he apologized and sat down on my side behind the kitchen isle. He took my hand and started to talk considering his words carefully. “I don’t care if you’re young or old. I just feel so good with you. I can’t imagine being without you. It’s hard to explain…”

      I was so relieved that everything was finally out in the open. “Don’t worry, I’m not _that_ old.” 

      He put his arms around me and held me close. “I love you whatever you are”, he smiled and kissed me. “But please, don’t stalk me as a spirit anymore.”

      “I already stopped that after your US tour. It felt so wrong”, I admitted. “Can I ask you one thing? Please don’t tell the others about this. I don’t think they’d understand.”

      “Ok, this remains our secret”, he promised. “By the way, what did you mean with my spirit being strong?”

      “I think you might have the same kind of abilities as I have.  Have you ever had out of body experiences of any kind?”

      He considered for a while before answering. “Actually yes. I escaped from my body the night Tochi left me. It happened here, in Die’s bedroom. It was weird to see myself from outside.”

      “That’s it. You could probably do this spirit travelling too if you practiced.”

      “Can I see sometimes the real you, I mean the older one?” he asked suddenly changing the subject.

       “Maybe I can arrange you to meet her when you come to Finland. You must remember that we are the same person. It’s going to feel strange.”

        “I think we should join the others. Kaoru was very worried about you”, Kyo said and helped me up from the floor. He wiped my face with his hands. “Remember that I love you.”


	17. A request

##  **A request (17)**

      Friday was the last day reserved for recording the two new Dir En Grey tracks with Apocalyptica. Everybody seemed to be in exceptionally good mood at the studio. The VK party last evening had been a great success. No one, except Kaoru, was aware of the little incident between me and Kyo and even that had ended happily. Perttu seemed to enjoy Kaoru’s company, Paavo joked with Shinya and Tochi was head over heels in love with Eicca.  And I had finally got my awful secret off my chest. Kyo had said he loved me and that was really something. Ok, I knew he loved Die too, but I didn’t mind.

      The aggressive rock track the guys were working on turned out a bit more difficult than they anticipated. It sounded somehow floppy and lacked the edge. Even I could hear that. Maybe they were too happy to play with genuine rage required here.  It was already late afternoon when they finally finished the recording session satisfied with the end result. 

      I hung around in the studio the whole day. I wrote my diary and browsed the internet picture galleries to find old photos of Dir En Grey’s Visual Kei period and even before that, when they were La Sadies. I was intrigued by their provocative beauty. It was a mystery to me how especially Tochi, but also Die and Kaoru, could make such beautiful women. Most of all I loved the picture where Tochi was wearing the same kimono-like blue dress he had yesterday.  I kept staring at his beauty wondering how it was possible for a male to look like that. 

      I also checked out Apocalyptica picture gallery. Perttu was really the grand diva of Apocalyptica. He always put on a good show on stage and had created an aura of mystery around his sexual preferences. I found pictures where he was kissing Eicca and Eicca was carrying him in his lap and the headlines screaming “Is Perttu gay?” With his long dark hair, slender body, paleness, lacquered nails and wrist warmers he looked delicious. Kaoru had an eye for beauty. Today, without his beard and moustache, Perttu looked different - younger and more feminine.

      We didn’t have any program planned for this evening. Everybody wanted to rest and Apocalyptica guys wanted to do some shopping before their departure. I was planning to continue my writing and research in the hotel and maybe have a sauna and a swim in the evening to relax.

      I had just settled comfortably in my armchair with my laptop in front of me when I heard a knock on my door. I was surprised to see Eicca standing in the corridor. “Sorry to intrude like this but I would like to talk with you. Can I come in?” he asked looking a bit awkward.

      “Yeah, please do.” I let him in and offered him my armchair to sit.

      “I hope, I’m not interrupting anything?” he asked eying at my computer and papers lying on the table.

      “No, I was just browsing the internet, nothing important.”

      He sat in his chair but didn’t say anything. He clearly had difficulties in getting started. “Can I get you anything?” I asked to break the silence. “No thanks, I’m fine… I just wondered if you could help me with Tochi. His English is not very good and I thought that if I tried to speak with him in English he’d probably just misunderstand me and things might get worse.”

      “What is it that you wanted to talk about? I asked although I was pretty sure I knew already.

      Eicca stared at his hands for a while. “You know I am happily married?” he asked blushing slightly.

      “Yeah, it’s all over internet, not a big secret”, I replied smiling at him.

      “Do you think Tochi knows about that?” he asked blushing even more. “That has never come up in our discussions. Could you find out if he knows and how he feels about that? I think you have a bit similar situation with Kyo and Die.”

      “My story with Kyo is complicated. I’m just a small part of his life. His life is here with his friends and Die”, I explained.

      “By the way, did you know that Tochi had a very intensive love affair with Kyo after you left Seattle?”

      “No, I didn’t know that”, Eicca mumbled quietly and looked pained.

      “Tochi ended it just before you arrived. From what I heard it seems to have been a traumatic experience for both of them. If Die hadn’t been there to support him, Kyo would have crumbled completely.“

      “Why on earth did Tochi do that?” Eicca wondered.

      “I think it was just a little too intensive thing for him.  He told me that he had considered it already for some time before actually doing it. Maybe he was also thinking about you. I don’t know.”

      “After Seattle I thought that I could just forget him, that it was just one of those things happening on tour. But I couldn’t. When you started to arrange this co-operation project I saw an opportunity to meet him. When I laid my eyes on him again at Narita it was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced – love, passion, ecstasy - you name it. I was completely possessed by him. But now we have only one day left and I don’t know what to do. Leaving him will be extremely painful –but I can’t help it.”

      “I think he knows that. Also his life is here. But everybody needs dreams and you are his dream, like Kyo is mine. Being only second best is painful, but I’m still thankful.”

     “I wish I could have your attitude, but I just feel guilty and frustrated. I will have to hurt him again”, he sighed looking worried.

      “I will talk with Tochi. I’m sure he knows where you stand, your marriage and all. He’s probably struggling with the same feelings as you are.”

      Eicca looked relieved. “I hope I can return the favour one day”, he smiled and rose up to leave.


	18. At lunch

##  **At lunch (18)**

      On Saturday morning we had only a short meeting to sum up the status of our project and review the remaining actions required. Both bands would complete their new albums during the spring. Dir En Grey would release the first single already in January.  The rest of the day was reserved for sightseeing and shopping. I promised to join them on a tour in Meiji Jingu garden in the heart of Tokyo. We would have our farewell party in the evening at our hotel and Apocalyptica would fly back to Helsinki on Sunday morning. To make things easier for everybody I reserved rooms for this night also for Dir En Grey guys. I knew many sad goodbyes would be said during the night.

      I needed to have my chat with Tochi preferably before the garden tour so I asked him to join me for a lunch after our morning meeting. He looked a bit puzzled but agreed to meet me. We strolled to an Italian restaurant, close to our studio. The place was small and cosy, exactly right for our conversation.

      “It’s been a really interesting week.” I started the conversation. “Are you satisfied with the results we achieved?”

      “Sure, it’s been great to work with Apocalyptica.” he answered sounding careful. He was clearly trying to guess what I was getting at.

      I decided to be frank with him. “Eicca is worried how you will take his leaving again. He doesn’t want to hurt you.”

      “Yeah, I know. Of course he has to return home, he’s married and everything…”

      “So you’ve known that all the time?” I asked him.

       “Yes, I searched everything there is to know about him. Google’s great… Have you seen this?” he asked showing me his iPhone with a lousy photo of Eicca and Perttu kissing.

      “Jup, I’d rather look at you kissing him.” I commented. Have you taken any pictures during this week?”

      “I took some in our sauna evening and at our party yesterday and of course during our recording sessions.”

      “I can take a portrait of you and Eicca this evening if you like. You must take care of the unofficial portraits yourself. Take a selfie with him just for fun.” You’ll need it when he’s gone, I thought remembering my own longing for Kyo after the US tour.

      Tochi had eaten hardly anything during our lunch. “You look tired.” I retorted him.

      “I know, we haven’t slept much. I will have time to rest when he’s gone”, he sighed and stared at his beautiful hands. “It will be awful, I know…”

      I could see a tear escape on his cheek. “I know the feeling”, I said and took his hand to comfort him. “But it’s not so long till March!”

      Our tour in Meiji Jingu gardens took about two hours. We wandered through the large park area that felt unnaturally quiet after the buzz of Tokyo streets. It was nice to watch the colourful carps swim to meet us when we arrived at the edge of their pond. I walked with Eicca and told him about my discussions with Tochi.  “He knows everything about you and accepts that. Of course he’s sad and sorry that you will have to leave, but he will make it. His band mates will support him.


	19. Goodbyes

##  **Goodbyes (19)**

      The mood of our farewell dinner was slightly downcast even though everybody tried their best to be positive. We talked mostly about the future plans of both bands. Apocalyptica would have a spring tour in March with Avanti, a Finnish symphony orchestra. The tour would take them around Finland, Russia, Germany and Baltic countries. In the summer they would again perform in Wagner Reloaded in Leipzig. It would be interesting to see that one as I had missed the 2013 show. Dir En Grey would visit Finland at the end of March to have a well-earned holiday after their Australia tour. Their new album still needed a lot of work during the spring time. One thing was sure - everybody was satisfied with the work we had done together here in Tokyo. 

      We finished the official part of the evening relatively early as we all had our personal goodbyes to say. As I had promised I took the official group pictures of the whole team after the dinner. Immediately after that Tochi and Eicca left together to continue their evening in Tochi’s room. Perttu and Kaoru vanished also somewhere. Mikko, Shinya and Paavo headed for the bar. Die joined them and left me with Kyo – very considerate of him. I needed to be close to Kyo these last hours knowing we wouldn’t see for weeks. There was also much to talk about – their holiday arrangements and meeting with Anna. So we headed to my room – we didn’t want to be surprised by Die.

      We hadn’t made love after he had learned the creepy truth of me. I was afraid that he didn’t want me anymore - that I turned him off. Sometimes it is nice to be wrong.  I was relieved when he grabbed me in his arms immediately when I had closed the door behind us. He held my face in his hands and gazed me with his deep dark eyes. “Can I make love to you?” he whispered and kissed me. “I will miss you when you’re gone”, he mumbled kissing the side of my neck.

      “Please don’t say that”, I pleaded remembering how painful my longing for him had been. I just couldn’t think about it right now.

      He unzipped my dress and let it drop on the floor. I unbuttoned his white shirt and helped him to get rid of his trousers and pants. I squeezed him against my body desperately like I would drown if I released my grip. He carried me to the bed and covered my naked body with his.  I wanted to have him inside me so badly. He knew what I wanted and grabbed a pillow to insert it under my bottom.  I raised my legs and wound them around him. He pushed himself deep inside me moving very carefully not to hurt me. His large dick filled me completely. We wanted to enjoy this last time as long as possible, but it was difficult to resist the ever increasing pressure inside our bodies. I tried to fight the need to explode but finally I had to give up.  I actually screamed when my body started to contract around his shaft and made my brain switch off completely. He exploded a few seconds after me, trying to suffocate his moan against my shoulder. His warm bursts lasted long - I could sense them inside my body.  When he had calmed down, I pushed my fingers into his hair and caressed his neck just to feel his warm skin. I kept my legs locked around him so he couldn’t withdraw himself - I wanted to keep him inside me, to myself.  I closed my eyes and imagined how his sperm was finding its way around my body, searching…

      I finally had to admit that I needed to go to the bathroom and released him from by grip. We showered again together. Besides making love that was the best thing we had done so far. Fooling around in the shower made him happy. His smile was beautiful and his laugh contagious, almost like giggle. It didn’t actually fit the gloomy image he had created for himself. After showering we crawled back to bed. We held each other close and kissed like we would never see each other again.

      I needed to discuss with Kyo about our holiday plans in March. I had already reserved a three days stay in a Finnish skiing resort, but we still had three days to plan. I assumed they wanted to meet Apocalyptica after they had returned from their tour. We agreed that I would schedule their meeting together with Apocalyptica once all the details were available. I wanted to end our evening in these forward looking plans rather than mourning about our separation.  “I think you should go and see how Die is doing”, I said to him when the evening was approaching midnight. “Please thank him, that he let me spend this evening with you”, I asked and kissed him goodbye. “I love you…” I think that Kyo was also relieved that I didn’t make a number of his relationship with Die. 

      “I will”, he promised and kissed my cheek. “Please let me know if anything happens”, he asked me as if he had sensed my feelings after our love making.  He held me once more in his arms and then left to find his man.


	20. Together again

#  **Toshiya**

 

##  **Together again (20)**

       Our welcome dinner turned out to be very nice event. I was seated beside Eicca, who seemed to enjoy my company and was also eager to learn more Japanese. I taught him words related to cooking and food that was prepared in front of us. Die helped me by explaining things in English. After a tasty dessert and a whisky shot everybody was relaxed and ready to face the challenges of the next week.

      I’d had my doubts about Eicca’s feelings for me before he arrived, but now it was obvious that he was happy to see me. When my mates were preparing to leave he leaned over to me and whispered in my ear “Please stay with me!” I nodded in agreement although I felt extremely nervous about being alone with him.

      To my relief the elevator was packed with people returning to their hotel rooms and I didn’t have to worry about what to say to him. My heart was beating at double speed when we entered his room. I removed my boots, tugged my feet into his guest slippers and wandered into his private space. He had his laptop on the table and a pile of papers beside it. He had hung one of his shirts on the back of the chair. I stopped to stare out of the hotel room window. “Wow, you have a gorgeous view here!” I told him rubbing my arms with my hands. The window radiated cold on my bare arms.

      I could see his reflection in the window when he came to stand right behind me. His body heat warmed my back. He raised his hands and caressed my arms. “Your arms feel cold”, he whispered and kissed gently the side of my neck. “Why don’t we take a hot shower to warm you up”, he proposed and turned me to face him. I stared into his grey eyes feeling an almost unbearable need to touch his face and hair. I took a strand of his blond hair into my hand and let it slide through my fingers. “Your hair feels like silk”, I breathed enjoying the feeling. He smiled and fluffed my hair with his hand. “Your hair is a bit shorter”.

      After a long, passionate kiss he stripped of my shirt and jeans and I did the same for him. We folded our clothes on the chair and then headed for the bathroom. I couldn’t help wondering how fair his skin was.  It was gorgeous to stand in his arms while the hot water stream was flushing our excited bodies. I could feel his erection pressing against my thigh.

      “Can I blow dry your hair?” I asked him when he was drying his body and hair with his towel. “It will otherwise get all tangled when we sleep”.

     “Are you planning to sleep?” he sneered pretending to be astonished. Actually I wanted just to feel the silky touch of his hair again. So I untangled the long strands of his hair with a brush and dried it with a noisy blow drier we found in the bathroom drawer.  

      “There’s a toothbrush also for you”, he pointed at a glass with two toothbrushes. The thought made be almost giddy.

      After the shower we both felt warm and crawled under the duvet to enjoy the feeling. We tried to smother each other with kisses - I just couldn’t get enough of his warm skin.  His soft lips wondered from my eyelids down to my cheeks and nose ending up on my neck and collarbones. “I’ve missed you so much”, he breathed holding my face in his hands.

      “I thought you didn’t want me”, I replied quietly.

      “I tried to convince myself that I didn’t, but it wasn’t true. And so now I am here. We have a whole week to spend together. Let’s enjoy it while we can.” While saying this his hands were drifting down my body to the small of my back, reaching by behind, my hipbones and finally my dick. I closed my eyes to feel his fingers gently rubbing the head and tightening around the stem. At that moment one week sounded like forever.


	21. The pledge

##  **The pledge (21)**

      We were lying on my hotel room bed in each other’s arms after making love for the last time. The seconds were ticking by, turning into minutes and hours; the horrifying moment when Eicca would have to leave was getting closer and there was nothing we could do prevent that. After a long silence he kissed my forehead. “I love you, please remember that. This will be difficult for you, but it the same for me. I don’t know how I can cope with being torn between two people I love the most.”

      “I’m sorry, it’s all my fault. I started this…”

      “Don’t be. I fell in love with you already on our first US tour. I just couldn’t resist you anymore when I saw you in Seattle”, he whispered and kissed me again.

      “By the way, I bought something for you”, he said reaching for his jacket folded on the chair. He dug a small velvet box from his pocket and gave it to me. “Please, open it”, he urged me and looked a little anxious. I was puzzled and confused - I didn’t want gifts from him, I just wanted _him_.

      The box contained a beautiful ring with embedded onyx stones. The ring was made of white and yellow gold wound around each other like serpents. The onyx stones decorated the white gold part. I couldn’t help seeing us there, wound together forever. The black stones reminded me of the sorrows I would have to bear when I chose to be with him.

      “Can I put it in your finger?” he asked and reached for my hand.  I tried to banish my gloomy thoughts and gave him my hand. He held it turning it first palm up and then down. “You have so beautiful hands”, he admired and then pushed the ring in my index finger.

      “Does it mean I’m yours now?” I asked.

      “Yeah, it does, if you want to. Should I kneel on the floor and ask properly?” he teased me.

      “No, you don’t need to”, I promised and gave him a gentle kiss. 

      I was almost exhausted after all this excitement and anxiety. I knew I couldn’t bear to see him leave.

      “Can you stay until I fall asleep? I asked him.

      “I’ll be here” he promised and held me in his arms. He started to sing a beautiful song, probably a Finnish lullaby judging by the strange words. The last thing I remember was his kiss on my cheek.

\------

      I woke when the sun was shining in my bed making me feel too hot. It was nine in the morning and he was gone.  I checked my hands and saw the ring in my finger. I remembered I was his. He was probably at Narita right now. I heard a soft knock on my door when I was heading for the bathroom. I opened the door and peeked into the corridor. It was Die looking all fresh and happy. “Join us for a breakfast?” he asked flashing me his brilliant smile.

      “Yeah, sure, but I need to shower first” I said not sure if they wanted to wait for me.

       “I can wait, Kyo is taking a shower too”, Die said and walked in.

      When I had showered and dried my hair I felt much better. I put on my jeans, T-shirt and hoodie and we returned to Die’s room to collect Kyo. Kaoru joined us with Shinya and we all headed upstairs to the hotel sky bar where they served breakfast together with a breathtaking view over Tokyo.

     Die noticed my ring when we were at our table enjoying our breakfast. “You’ve got a beautiful new ring. Did Eicca give you that?” he asked and his eyes flashed to Kyo who was concentrating hard on his omelet.

      “Yeah”, I nodded not wanting to talk more about it. I was afraid I couldn’t hold back my tears if I did.

      “So, it’s just the five of us from now on”, Kyo concluded when we had finished eating. “Is everything ok?” he asked looking first at me, then at Kaoru and Shinya.

      “I think I can manage”, I answered turning the ring in my finger. “It’s not that long till March.”

 

THE END


End file.
